A personal post
About childlessness
(and if it’s really not for you there are plenty of other posts about flowers and stuff instead!)
I have thought long and hard about whether I should post, as this space is not about my personal ‘anguishes’
But I think my story may help others, so here goes …
A couple of weeks ago it was ‘world childless week’
I was busy at the time but I resolved to share my unshared-until-now experience, in the hope that it could maybe help others who find themselves childless not by choice to feel less alone and hopefully, maybe just a little bit more optimistic.
We don’t have children, but this is not from choice and there are sadly too many of us.
Our story
I got pregnant not long after we were married and remained so long enough to experience all the ‘first trimester’ stuff (most of which is bad in my experience!), but our first scan revealed all wasn’t well and soon afterwards I miscarried at around 15 weeks. We were obviously devastated and our lives were changed for ever, the pain was deep and reminders existed everywhere, adding to our pain on a daily basis.
Eventually we tried again and suffice to say, a nightmare ten years or so followed.
First an agonising ectopic pregnancy, then more miscarriages & a second ectopic. each one breaking our hearts into smithereens.
Years of hospital stays, interventions and operations (one stay in Poole hospital in a window bed with a stunning view over Poole harbour - would have been lovely if it wasn’t to involve yet another sad ending).
I left work to reduce stress, then came the all time low of one hospital stay (I can’t even remember what for, there were so many), I was leaving, surprisingly still pregnant, cautiously optimistic and happy, only to find out by mistake at the discharge desk that I was going to miscarry again - no-one had even told me. I can’t put into words how that crushed me.
This was possibly the lowest point of all (and believe me there were MANY). I got home and laid in bed for days feeling utterly broken, defeated and just unbelievably and overwhelmingly sad.
Recognising it was not going to happen naturally, we tried IVF
which ended in yet more heartbreak so finally we decided enough was enough and stopped. We had put our lives on hold for too long, it was all consuming and we could take no more.
Never feeling that adoption was for us, we are now reluctant members of the ‘involuntarily childless’ or ‘childless not by choice’ (cnbc) community.
Then came the additional pain of watching others around you get pregnant with clockwork precision (someone at the time was able to more or less plan it to the week); the invites to christenings politely turned down; the continual updates on everyone else’s children, while we were left behind. Those perennial pictures of the new school year shared so freely and widely and the surprising amount of people who just assume you have kids.
Later years then bring a whole new wave of pain - the weddings of friends’ children; tales of empty nesting woes and possibly the most painful of all, the assumption that you’re a grandparent (just insulting on every level!)
So, why am I posting this?
If you’re currently in the midst of this, or have recently gone through it, I want you to know, life does get better. PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT.
I’m now in an incredibly strong place where children and babies are no longer a painful reminder of what couldn’t be, but that took a long time and let’s be honest I’ve had a lot of years practice!
I have good friends now with young children, who I love seeing and being around without any feelings of sadness at all, but it’s taken me a long time to get there.
I almost certainly wouldn’t be doing what I am now if we had children & I am lucky enough to be doing something I absolutely adore & that gives me pleasure every day.
So there will be some positives that will come out of it further down the line, but I know only too well how long it takes to see that. There are also years of just not being strong enough to cope with everyone else’s ‘happy little family’.
If you are living through this now, my heart goes out to you.
Social media didn’t exist back then and it was hard enough then, I can’t imagine how hard it must be now. My advice would be to find your own means of self preservation, maybe you just need to mute or unfollow a few people? If they’re friends just explain why (or if that’s too awkward just mute them) but you really have to think about you and take any steps you possibly can to be kind to yourself.
If you are lucky enough to have children and you keep your family stuff separate from your business stuff, thank you!
Those unexpected pictures or posts can be hugely triggering and heartbreaking for those who aren’t in a strong place.
We’re not asking you to hide your life away completely, but just that you consider that there maybe someone whose heart might just break a little bit more if you post that ‘out of the blue’ picture on your business account, or have the baby on the knee during that zoom meeting.
Like I said at the beginning, I’ve really pondered long and hard over whether to post, it feels incredibly private and unnatural to share something so personal in such a public manner, but if it makes just one person feel a little less lost, then I think / hope it’s worth it?
If this resonates in any way with you I’m truly sorry, it’s rubbish and there is no getting away from it I’m afraid.
If you’re not directly affected then a huge thank you for reading to the end, maybe there is also some small thing you could do to make life a little easier for someone experiencing this now? They won’t be talking about it, you may not even know.
Some useful resources
World Childless Week website
Married and childless podcast
Childlessness in the workplace
Motherhood Missed - edited to add this book recommendation from my Instagram post (scroll back to 20th October 2021)
I also want to mention my lovely friends Vicky and Dunc at Clem’s Garden, who established their wonderful flowery social enterprise and named it after their own lost child.
They do amazing work for and in their local community, supporting those who are 50+ and who don't have children or grandchildren to channel their care, skills and experience into. They grow and sell environmentally sustainable cut flowers; supporting local charities and community projects with their profits and I am in constant awe of them and the work they do. Please look them up.